1. I'm the new girlfriend catching spiders 2. Bass in the park

1. I have joined their relationship (a man and woman) in an idyllic haste. I want to be one with their world. It's so sunny and nice, so I try to put it behind me that they are really too-hippy for me when it comes down to it. They show me their house. They have a child I never meet, a tarantula, another, skinnier spider, and a snake. I sleep over one night, and then the next I get shy about the spiders. I ask if we can put them in their tanks just for over-night. I'm having a hard time catching the tarantula, and I feel bad and anxious because I'm nervous that I'm hurting it. I consider how I've pet it before.
2. We ride our bikes away from the house. Going down Harrison, I veer off by Foote Street where there is now a huge park. Scattered about the park are instrumentalists. I happen upon an upright bass, and start playing.

1. Family vacation 2. Spa with Brooke 3. Bridge Machine Nightmare 4. School

1. Flashback to a family vacation I've never had where a big sister is covered in a mud wrap or seaweed wrap on her abdomen and trunk. Little brother keeps splashing her ("Stop it!") and diluting her wrap before it is to come off. There are huge tropical plants overshadowing the dark wood decking where the soaking tubs are inlaid. Mom and Dad are in love again and not paying attention to brother and sister, which, ultimately, is a good thing.
2. Brooke Stepp is giving me advice at the outdoor spa. We've been soaking together and in our own sea weed type wraps. (These kind are supposed to stay underwater.) I know that the next part of the routine is to eat/drink this thick fruit shake. (Is it fermented? Tastes really bland and starchy.) Brooke tells me that the spa attendants hold the cup for you so you can remain with your whole body submerged. She says you can also have a little to eat like tuna or cod; she likes cod better because it is a little sweet. I realize it's raw fish she's discussing, and then envision a whole sushi bar. I start to really get behind the idea of chopsticks.
3. Nightmare in which I probably die. I am driving a van on a bridge. It feels like Vancouver, B.C., but it also feels like Tacoma, Wa. I look to the side of the road and I see an alarming feature: a building that has a large glass tank filled with tires. Above the tires is a yellow accordion pump (huge: 20-30' tall) pushing down into the tank. Above the pump is a filter that is a chimney type thing and there are thin, but yet still black billowing clouds coming from it. A sign says: "We are willing to melt your old tires but this device does emit greenhouse gasses." I continue driving and look ahead and suddenly that the tire recyclery has become a VEHICLE and is right in front of me. I am nervous that it is very combustible. The bridge starts to shake and falls apart. I get tossed around the van and I wonder if I should try opening the door in mid air. Directions pop up into my field of vision as if I'm watching a computer screen but they are not encouraging. I panic. I fear that once I'm in the water, there will be pieces of the bridge and other vehicles still hitting the water and perhaps me. I wake up still in a panic, too hot, and resolved to carry a hammer with me to break out of whatever car I'm in. I'm still trying to figure out how to escape, awake. I consider that all of the pieces of the bridge will probably fall somewhat in the shape of the bridge- a line, and a van won't fall any faster than the pieces of the bridge. But I'm pretty convinced I've died in the dream. I tell Isaac that dying isn't any worse than my worst menstrual cramps, or kidney stones, right?
4. T Spells is teaching the class I want to be in for spring quarter. It's about sculpting characters. Again, all dudes in my class.

1. Dinner date 2. The unconsummated affair in the Chinese house 3. Rest Stops

1. I'm housesitting for my mother who suddenly has a very palatial house. She calls on the phone to say that she'll be a little late. I'm throwing a dinner party, and only one guest has shown up: an authority figure I know from real life. He is kind, and all of a sudden is carnally direct with me. He has a sweet smile as he suggests extremely naughty things. They sound like good ideas and I'm confident that the walk will be as good as the talk. More guests start to arrive, but this man doesn't disappear into the crowd; he is always close. We are held together by our sexy secret.
2. A. C and I have plans to meet and when I show up at his house we end up chasing a rabbit around. He has just bought a house and moved in with his new girlfriend, but she's not home yet. I notice how happy he is to see me, and I feel the same way. His house is totally bizarre and ends up connecting to my house, even though my house is miles away. She gets home and we realize suddenly how not appropriate it will seem to her that I'm there and I hide. I go down one of the white hallways and slide underneath a stairwell. Under the regular stairs, there are tiny, tiny rounded pink stairs that almost look like a ramp. The detailing in the house is somehow Chinese. There are lots of engraved botanicals and jade as detailing. There are small rooms that seem to have no purpose, but they are beautiful. The house is under partial remodel. Whatever is being remodeled isn't destroyed, it's just covering up what is so ornate and creative and beautiful. When they stop yelling, I get out of my hiding spot and walk back to my house, but, because my house is attached, I never actually put on shoes to leave.
***REAL LIFE: Isaac now wakes me up with his paw on my face. I feed him. Go back to sleep***
B. We had made plans to meet again around 11:45 pm when he would be sure that she was asleep. I had brought my bright orange tent and a sleeping bag so we could hang out not in the house, and not outside either (though the weather was nice that evening.) I walked by and saw his form get up from bed through the window, he's wearing a white robe. I see a second white robe rise. She looks out the window, and immediately sees me. The sky was a night sky, but when she looks out at me, the sky is bright as day, and I stick out very obviously. They begin to yell again. I am trying to watch without further being seen. He holds her and I go back home.
3. A and I pick up Jamy from her trip. She had been camping. We were in the cab of a truck, and Jamy seemed to be surrounded by a long stream of paper that wrapped all around her and got in the way of me seeing the road. But A was driving, so it was fine. She was talking about still being high on mushrooms. "It will probably only last another hour" she says. We stop at a rest stop.

1. Any non-chain restaurants? 2. "Baby"

1. In her home town of Key Center, we're walking 10 deep to a diner. She says "It's terrible, every little restaurant here is changing into something boring and disgusting." This restaurant we're going to is apparently one of the last ones left. When we go inside, she leads me to the end of the dessert case where we find a gluten and dairy free item, finally. It is raspberry chocolate garlic hazelnut mousse cream bar. Somehow, it works, I think it's because I eat the garlic about 10 minutes before I eat the mousse. Z is there, shouts from across the table that he's going to order that too.

2. C says, while we are joking around, and in the context of an argument, the word "Baby." Then, he looks at me very seriously and says "I didn't mean that. That's not right. "Baby" denotes incompetence, it's infantilizing and removes the context of all of your life experience." I say "Well, yes, but it's also a tender name that could suggest the desire of the speaker to nurture, spoil, or privilege the audience. We are so wonderfully tender with babies and praise them endlessly. That's not such a derogatory aspect."

1. the clinic 2. harry potter 3. swing song

1. I was a clinician at a women's health center. A mother and daughter came in wanting a procedure that seemed like it would compromise the health of one of them. I was very conservative. It was a very serious ocassion.

2. A scene from Harry Potter! But it takes place at my parents' house in Everett, where my dad is, undisturbed, playing video games in front of the computer. It's one of those scenes where Harry is trying to hide from something, someone. I am consciously trying to hide him. I am putting him under towels, then I finally realize that he should climb behind the toilet. For some reason the bathroom seems like the only place he should hide. I am fixated on finding the right spot. There is only so much time left and I feel TERRIFIED! I wake up with anxiety in my body. 

3. I need to leave the house. It is a beautiful summer day and I climb up the tree to get onto the swing. It is a swing that can go to basically any location on the tree.  I was writing tons of songs. It seemed like was able to play my guitar and swing on the swing at the same time. I put on a pair of ballet slippers and thought to myself "ah, I'm so grateful that I can wear Erin's slippers and not get in trouble." I had memories of being on a train. I felt limitless, and like anything was possible! 

1.pride, jacket 2. bullies on the roof 3. full tub

1. I am telling him that I had just ordered a double cheeseburger from the fast food place and he is impressed. he says "oh Yeah!" He tells me about his jacket he got out of a free box, it's mint green and has zippers at the forearms. it looks great. i say so, he says he's got to get these straps for it so that his muscles don't bust open the seams on the forearms. we're both really concerned about it.

2. I am on the roof with another girl, maybe a girl I knew from high school, and below us we here the cashiers from the fast food place bullying a girl in valley-girl voices. "you are such a freak!" they say. then the girl on the roof and i both yell down to the two bullies "no! you are a freak! we're all freaks!!!" a large young boy who was on the other roof jumps onto our roof very intimidatingly and says "i like girls" and licks his lips.

3. i go into the shower at my parents house, someone else is already in the tub, the light was off. actually, a lot of people were in the bathroom. all coworkers of mine! and it turned into a doo-wop kind of sing along.

1. album video 2. shopping for dinner 3. guitar counselling 4. nik's keys 5. my sister and crystals

1. i've finished my album and i'm releasing it in my bedroom at my parents' house. i have my old dresser and i've cleared it off (i still need to wipe it down though). i know that bg at work is proud of me for displaying my stuff as i am. in the dresser mirror there's a music video that goes with one of the songs. as it's playing i notice that the production got really intense- it's good but totally different! like tons of electric guitars and a really heavy textural feel. in the video i'm wearing dark lipstick and lip-syncing the words and they almost all match perfectly which is so satisfying- until the end when they are pretty off.

2. shoppping at the store with leon. i'm having a hard time picking things that he wants to eat- then i realize that we're at a normal grocery store and not a natural foods market, so duh, nothing in there is very appealling. in our cart, i see that he's already made dinner (like SO much dinner, huge piles on plates!) He starts to seduce me even though he was about to go meet someone else. 

3. i go over to their house to learn. mostly about how to do a rock solo on a guitar. i'm standing at the front door and the lesson just begins there. it's the suburbs and a portly redheaded man is teaching me how to do this. i show him that i already know how to stretch my fingers across the fretboard to make a 9th. and he's relieved that i can do that already. but when i'm listening to the chord, it sounds just like a D maj chord ...

When we go inside the house, we end  up talking about his marriage though. His living room is huge and has a vaulted cieling. the couches are SO far apart from each other, there is a huge rectangle of space in the center! when he asks me questions about how to better his marriage i tell him he has to do a lot more listening. 

4. i'm visiting nik and we go to a grocery store. when we get back to his place he says 'i haven't actually been here in days. and i haven't actually cooked in weeks.' he had been over at his girlfriends' house constantly and she always did the cooking which he usually didn't mind but it was starting to be harder for him to not have his own independent time sometimes. he pointed to his house keys on the table and said "i haven't even touched these since last week."

night before last:

i was with a woman who i was strongly bonded to, i knew she had just had a pregnancy that didn't work out. i knew the stone for her: apophylite.

*out of dream little facts: yesterday my sister called me who i haven't heard from in months who's been trying to have a baby and struggling, like the woman in the dream. when we talked on the phone, it became clear to me for the first time that it was my sisters who basically raised me from when i was born until i was 5 years old, not my mom. I never really thought about how our relationship as sisters was really more mother-daughter. I got curious about "apophylite" looked it up.  I own a piece of apophylite: it's a big crystal leaning down to a tiny, tiny crystal, as if it is a picture of nurturance. I was able to understand my early relationship to my sister in a whole new way, visually. Fun*  

the bike ride that leads to an amazing blue green eyed magnet

1. summertime and one of those long aimless bike rides that take you much further away from home than you thought you'd gone. the sun is starting to fade- or at least the day is no longer a fresh new baby...i'm realizing that i'm somewhere near renton (!) so i decide to throw my bike on a bus. when i get off the bus, it seems i've gone to far and now i'm near portland, oregon. i stop in at a book store and laurel is there with me and says to check out the back of the willamette weekly for the number for the "little red cab".

as i'm at the book store i notice two hip but sloppy looking hard-rollers outside. when i'm calling the cab i notice one of them answer. we make eye contact while on the phone and then i go out and see that they're the ones who operate the little red cab. it has bullet marks through the back windshield i notice as i look behind us.

we drive for a short time but then end up at their house. Laurel and i check their computer for more bus schedules and decide to skip out on cab fare (they barely drove us anywhere and fell asleep during the job...) and i write a note in pencil that says simply "sorry about fare. i think you're adorable."

busses don't get us far. laurel is replaced by james on and off. i'm thinking about hitch hiking as i approach a strange parking lot...and lo, another little red cab. this one has like 4 people in it already, but they say they'll take two more.  

the driver, he has a mouth on him, a devils advocate type. I also am incredibly bold in this dream.  He is not so subtly hitting on me. He's got perfect olive skin. and eventually he tells his friend to drive when we're at the next stop. We're sitting next to each other now. it seems like we've been in this cab for 3 days. His touch is so gentle and sensitive, and we are magnets for each other. you know when you touch someone and their whole body seems to reverberate from it---or you reverberate from it...

i have my arms around him and we're so at the brink, so love-bubbling-under, lust icing, and it's spontaneous as well as committed when he says 'you know you're my girl.' (Waking LOL)

We don't sit next to each other the next time we get in the cab. he's driving again and i say something about a bill board we pass. he says 'you always comment - almost without exception- on any advertising that shows a beautiful woman. what's going on? you have nothing to be jealous about so what is it?' i talk about unattainable beauty standards and so on, leading to a conversation on some feminisms. This conversation gets cut off by more and more people getting in the cab. people the other four know. so now we have like 8 people in this cab- it's a station wagon. someone talking to the new rider they know as a friend is like "Polly, get in the back seat!"  She makes a pouty face and then smiles. They are candy ravers and are the most colorful specimens i'd seen the whole trip.

My cab driving man is teasing me, we haven't eased any tensions, we are not a reliable combination but a highly combustible one. he says "but i bet you wouldn't be caught dead sixty-nining me, baby," under his breath as we are standing next the car at a stop. Gawd, he's so sexy. (ANOTHER WAKING LOL) when he looks away out onto the road i notice his amazing blue green eyes slightly squinted. i want that magnetic touch and I'm going to get it. 

1. breaking and entering 2. filming with the former dom 3. segway into the timeless country

1.   Another house at the end of the cul de sac. I am with people I respect deeply, but they are all my peers. We don't knock. I don't know who lives there, but it is a house that seems to be like crafted by an artisan who does a major amount of welding. He comes home right as Liz and I are trying to leave. We're caught and he cares, but it's not a big deal. We talk about how beautiful his home is. He's a lot like God if God didn't laugh very much.

2.  I wasn't a likely choice for the film, but they've given me a spot anyway on film project with a traveling cabaret that is doing some more-like sex work video thing. I'm nervous because although she was beautiful, at first I wasn't exactly attracted to the woman who I was supposed to do my scene with, but then right as we touched it became a much more emotionally charged connection. I felt like I had been dosed and was feeling like being a very magnanimous top. She asked that I be a little softer when I swatted her and i did, but i couldn't tell if i got i completely right. Our roles were rather unusual, i think she was very used to being dominant in sex or life in general. I started to lift her up and we were in a funny balancing-act kind of position to which she replied "we can have really adorable sex!"

3. I moved to the south side of olympia again- i think with the man who welds. there's only one bus that goes out directly that way and i saw it leaving from the station when i was downtown but i was determined to catch it from the road. i was running for a long while. the cityscape started shifting around me and under my feet into bright green grass and new asphalt and then as i rounded a corner i found myself in a totally rural place with a barely paved road. i looked around, the sky cloudy. the bus stop was right in front of a building with worn off paint, a humble structure. i mean, it looked sound, but rustic. i was remembering waiting at the bus stop countless times, feeling completely comfortable there.( actually this bus stop is in my dream style of the 'timeless country' ) the bus didn't seem to be coming but i wasn't even really considering the bus anymore. (once i get to the timeless country/city all my objectives change) I felt like i had officially entered the journey i was really supposed to be engaged with.

1.mysterious house 2.actor crush 3. anarchists love barack obama

1. The mysterious house at the end of my block. I know they have a pond or a lake in the back. It's the kind of day when I want to go swimming. The much older man who lives there has been trying to become a companion of mine in some sort of way for some time, and I finally begin to be nice to him.

2. At a movie. I think one of the characters is cute. Then realize the actor is right beside me in the seats. I'm not shy, I tell him I thought he was the most attractive person in the film. He's shy. But we work it out. ;)

3. At an anarchist function with Russell Crowe and Barack Obama. Anarchists hugging and swarming Obama. I'm in tears.- followed by a performance by Michelle Obama in which she sings...amazingly- and a short film featuring Jackie O.

slab glyph tone tribe ladder, precisely what i needed

1. amongst the other leaders of the tribes. Upon further examination, I can't recall what tribe exactly I represent, but Carol is there representing hers, tall and athletic men representing theirs, all in all about 40 of us. When we look horizontally around us, we're in his bedroom, (though he's not there and isn't expected to be) but when we look at each other or up, we just see sky and other expansive images. in front of us (on his bed) there is a form that reaches up into the sky- so high we can't exactly see the top.  one of us starts climbing it and as he does, the form - a living tree? a mayan clay slab? pushes out rungs for him to step on. they are rungs that if you concentrate on them for too long, they disappear back into the slab. we are all climbing now, and i'm suprised at how adept i am at it. i am looking at the sky most of the time, not thinking very much about the rungs. but suddenly the ladder starts tipping, most of us are near the bottom but the man who started climbing is now at the top, and the ladder starts tipping backwards with the weight of so many of us on the bottom. it's like hinged at the center to something (it is an opaque slab---it's like climbing an extremely steep mountain and then it tips with unequal balances). everyone regroups. we realize that some of us were having a much harder time with the climbing than the others- they don't know where to climb, they don't see any ascending rungs and cling to the ones they're on. i look at the upper right ledge of the slab and i can make out some glyphs- some i don't recognize at all, but one is the glyph for gemini : II and next to it, i see a symbol for a seed syllable (like those used for chakra toning) but it's for gemini and it goes "ah-eee" and as soon as i start toning it, the paths for all of the people and all of the rungs light up and we can all start ascending the slab. we climb in perfect balance and the slab starts tipping again, but this time top first so that all the people on the bottom are raised to the highest peak of this see-saw and the first people wait on the slab until they've all slid down to the other side. 

2. twenty minutes late for work. it's california though, and sunny, so judy doesn't mind too much. she just chuckles at me! i tried to walk my bike home so i wouldn't have to ride it in, but once i'm walking back to work, i realize it was precisely my bicycle i needed in order to get there !

nov. 25 2008

multitasking mouth, hotwiring, neighborhood meeting

1. standing in the kitchen.  he comes up behind me and slides his arms around my body. he hands me chocolate milk. i start drinking it but he puts his fingers in my mouth, which turns me on, but isn't really helpful to the drinking milk part.

2. i want us to continue our saucy times together and start trying to get us to move in that direction. we are walking on a very sunny sidewalk in a downtown. but he gets totally distracted and starts obsessing over a nineteen seventies converted cop car that he is now hotwiring.

3. a neighborhood meeting in which the council presents a proposal for an evergreen extension campus in the south capitol neighborhood. one man speaks up: " i attended the campus in Seattle and around that area there was a lot of gang violence, so I think that should be taken into consideration." then on the powerpoint screen, a film montage of the dean of evergreen's son (looks like elton john in tommy) in his bowling club with his ornate blue and red bowling pins.

july 18

1. kitten birth/breast milk

gave birth to a kitten

had a whole lot of milk seeping out

thinking about getting something to keep my shirt from getting soaked

sasquatch, cuts off the tip of her finger, players, body tattoo

1. going on a long trip through the wilderness to another 'civilized' land. probably europe, the trees look like it. however, sasquatch lands on top of our car.
2. jamy is taking care of her younger sister. much younger, like three years old. she lives in a crazy, ramshackle apartment. she tells her little sister 'if our mother ever threatens you, you take a big knife and just get her with it, you promise me?' the dream then flashes to her mother torturing the little sister and saying 'what did jamy tell you?' the little sister breaks and then her mother cuts off the very tip of her little finger.
3. oh, we live in wild times. i'm staying with my grandmother at my parent's old house. j lives down the street. there is a warehouse across the street and i have developed an affair with one of the people who live there. they are somewhat mean. i leave the warehouse and go back home to grab something for breakfast before i go to work. there's left over pizza in the refrigerator, so i choose that. j is waiting at the same bus stop i am, i'm suprised. he's also seeing someone at the house across the street. i get pretty jealous.
4. at a big festival. somehow, i get a huge, full body tattoo that begins with a dandelion on my cheek and includes the ace of hearts on my stomach. it isn't that perfect of a tattoo. myrrha gets told she should be a model. another man is talking about us behind our backs. when i see my friends, they give me shit for the tattoo. i lucidly change the decision to get a tattoo and tell them it's body paint, and wipe some off.

kidnapped, marriage of convenience, lavender/wheat

1. i am kidnapped by "old friends," one who was formerly a flamboyant man is now a flamboyant female person who goes by "Ciao." They pick me up near a strip mall, at night in suburbia in their sports car. Ciao and desiree have catty dialogue. They congratulate me on getting married and i realize that they're bringing me to my fiance.
2. I'm hanging out with him and he's telling me that my friend has been trying to sleep with him. I haven't slept with him in years. He says "sometimes a man just doesn't want to have sex with a woman." We are holding hands and he looks maybe about to cry. I "remember" all the little trysts he had with other men. I nod.
3. We are marrying for convienience but no one knows. His family is paying for everything in the wedding. They are dressing me up like their little daughter-in-law doll. I don't mind. I like them despite their bland materialism; they are witty and intelligent. He's so handsome it doesn't even matter that we haven't fallen in love conventionally yet. I feel like it's ok for me to be excited about the dress and the garter and the cake and the lists. we're doing well with each other. We take a shower together in a motel room with the highway in the background going. We are spending a long time looking into each others' eyes, with shower making a strange wet static between us. I wonder if he has mixed feelings about being as aroused as he is.
4. i'm outside bellavender house, picking up bushels of lavender. one bushel from last year is completely bleached by the sun. some of it turns into wheat and the kernels come out of the shaft and tumble to the ground. i wonder if i should be making money through the lavender. Someone I don't recognize calls "honey" from the porch. I wonder if its my fiance.

ipods, boot boats, sweet things

1. something unimportant about ipods
2. jamy and i are in an area that is mostly bayish, a lot like the meditteranian. we're not neccessarily going anywhere. what we are doing is trying on different boats. we don't have to get on any docks, when we decide we want to see another boat, we just materialize inside. we're doing this together but sometimes she'll leave before i do and sometimes i'll leave before she does. i don't remember the first two boats, but the second two boats are shoes, gigantic boots. yes, gigantic boot boats. they're empty inside except for maybe a pillow, a cream coloured one plapped on the middle of an orange shag carpet floor. it's a little bit eery, probably because of the carpetting.
3. a lot of sweet things being offered even though i show up late. people are interrupting the speaker to offer me these sweet things. another telephone. ? .

cruelty, the crossdresser's plight, evanne's dream, arrival

1. oh no! he is cruel to me! i have finished a package, he says it looks terrible. we are all standing around some sort of center for post, alexis even sees it, i attempt to take it in stride, but i am totally destroyed, even with a smile, even with the unspoken pity of those around me!
2. a dream where i observe: a crossdresser whose identity is legitimate and a woman pretending to have the identity of the crossdresser are boarding a greyhound.the bus driver, seeing that the woman looks to be a woman accepts her as the correct choice even though she is the scam artist. the driver kicks the crossdresser off the bus and he is very, very distraught. i go back with him to his place, which is not really his home, his home is elsewhere, in the suburbs, with his wife, but he has a place here in the city where he paints. we go there and he kicks large alluminum forms over. he is a fugitive. he seems comforted by my prescense but i really don't have words for him.
3. i'm dreaming evanne's dream: she's driving with her dad in a sports car, he's going to show her something, a present he's giving her. they are deep in the city. when they get inside, he says 'have at it!' they are half bodies in very crazy unthinkable amazing positions. she slides right in to them and is laughing. she says 'oh this is so great!' one is between two pillars, upsidedown, legs look like an M with the feet pushing against the pillars and the head hanging down beneath...
4. i've arrived, i'm here, i text message evanne. i'm in a place that's simultaneously new york, san francisco, and seattle.

metallic cat, phone sex operator

january 24 2008
i'm traveling in Australia with two men. I suppose I had affection for both, some bond, I’m not sure of the particulars. We were at a festival, a huge crowd, huge palette of color. bright and loud but I was calm. We were about to cross the border of Australia to Central Asia or western Europe. I was quick to be done with the customs area. As I stepped over the border I realized that I was stepping directly into another sky, and with that put a little more oomph in my departure, springing off of the ground excitedly. As my body fell down into the sky, as the ground crested over my vision, I saw that the two men I had been with turned into huge yellow birds. As I fell through the clouds I became aware of the urge to stay upright, and also aware that I needed to just coast with the wings. I was soaring through layer after layer of realities. On one of the many opportunities to stop I decided to soar in to one of the tinier realities. It was a dark jungle lit by Christmas lights, the size of a bed, 3 or 4 feet tall. I was greeted by a metallic cat.
february 4, 2006
i am in a house that isn't mine, maybe i'm house sitting or subletting. there's a lot of clutter and the lighting is alternatley late at night and middle-of-day cloudy afternoon. i have a phone at the foot of the bed that keeps ringing. i sit up in my bed wondering if i should answer. i realize it's not just any phone. it's pink and has a light that flickers with each ring. does this phone have to do with my paycheck? if i answer this phone will i be making any money? someone else is trying to get my attention. it might be my mom. now i really want to answer that phone. i wonder if i have an answering machine. i do. i realize that i've been hiding my job as a phone sex worker from my mom for months now.

house party in palestine, cement stash, jon pon

1. in a crowded house party in palestine. i've been here for days and so has the party. i'm on a balcony greeting people (screening people.) there's a high level of flirtation happening with one of the guys who's been at this party, and maybe someone who i used to date. in either case, it makes me proud when victoria shows the film she's taken. it's a music video where i'm one of the actors and happen to look really nice. it looks like something out of the 1930s and i'm in flowing attire in rose petals. also very close to another woman. i remember shooting the film and remember how rewarding and saucy it is.
2. with some rough kids. they take me out of the party. the guy is walking through all of these alleys trying to find his stash, he's so nonchalant. he dips to grab something from inbetween two peices of cement on the wall and keeps walking. we're walking with another man too. we don't see any guards but i kind of feel like we could get shot or caught at any moment for no reason at all. we get to a big huge pile of rubble and hang out there where he has handed me a little popper type thing to take. he starts shooting up. watching him do it, i hesitate.
3. hanging out with jon pon?
dec. 3 07

erin's job, ghost identity, house 8 leggeds

1. erin says the night before 'remember that you're doing camp tomorrow!' i am filling in for her job at the hands on children museum, but tbe shift is occuring in my room. i start getting nervous about whether or not the kids will come accross anything adult in nature, but when they do, we explain it to them clearly and level headedly. they seem nonplussed about subjects like condoms and sex. it turns out i'm not as bad with kids as i thought, they seem to like all the projects i'm doing.
2. camp is over. i'm running from a recurrent ghost- one that 's been in dreams before. the ghost is so terrifying, anytime you think of anything you might need, he leaves it outside the door and knocks on the door. everything comes with a little note, but i never ever read what it says. one of the notes would tell who exactly this ghost was, i just know it, but it's in code, and i'm too scared to really read it. i'm running around like a mad woman. there's a blueberry bush with blueberries that are huge and fat and almost too ripe to pick but i start picking them. i'm with josh and we keep fading from being my mom and dad to being him and i while we're in my grandma's apartment. right before i wake up i realize that the ghost just needs to be thanked for all the hard work its done in its life to serve others so that it can go on. i wake up breathing heavy despite how benevelent the conclusion is!
3. my landlord comes over and i walk him through all the stuff he still hasn't done. kindly. we go underneath the house- but really it's not underneath it's like between the walls. it's cool to be back there. we finally are kind of on the same page about things. he leaves, a bunch of girls ages 11-20 are hanging out with me in this weird spot. like a theatre stage backlit, the girls all at different levels sitting crosslegged or laying on their stomachs like a scene from an after school tv program. from where i'm sitting i can see all the spiders that live here- THERE ARE A LOT! like probably 8 or 9 3 inch spiders dipping in and out of crater like holes in the ceiling. one starts to crawl on my leg and i wince while i'm giving my lecture but one of the younger girls just notifies me and i let it keep going. it was really fast and walks away. on my palm there is a jelly fish eating an octopus. i watch their bodies change from phsychedelic pattern to phsychedelic pattern.